4 Ways the Movies Portray Toxic Masculinity

Or, if I could have just allowed myself to be raped after every beat down, just might have been happier overall. I'll never know and for that specific ignorance, I am eternally grateful.

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=192085735698367

Before this video appeared in my feed, I realized why I've never been down with the BDSM scene. Being treated violently as a child was my father's way of making sure I wouldn't get aroused by beating the crap out of Mark Perrone for :
1. Believing I was his property in Ms. Emily Schwartz' 2nd grade class at PS 9. 2.) Since I was his property, he could paint me green with no consequences of a punishment that would fit the crime. 3.) So he did, actually getting a brush stroke or two in before Emily intervened, ferociously.

She snatched him up first. She took him away from his mission to paint over the brown with green to match the Christmas season. No more paint or brushes or fun with Vernon for his pleasure and my humiliation! Mark would be shamed by THE GODDESS, er ah, MY SAVIOR! MY HEROINE! She who must always be obeyed.

Next, she took me to the sink and washed the paint off my face. St this point I am LOVING the attention of being fussed over, envied by some and in awe of others of my white classmates. Then, my mother, who was a volunteer librarian at PS 9, was notified and I was whisked off to the Principals office to meet with my mother and Principal Eleanor C. Foley, who still rocked black leather lace-up orthopaedic shoes in the 60's. She and Emile we're tasked with profuse and earnest apologies to my mother who simply wanted to make sure the paint job was the only harm that had come to her son, the nerdy "sensitive" middle child who had been trained with his fathers old leather belts to be a public pacifist/ peace-nik and never aggressive in speech or physically when any folks of lighter, " right-er" skin color were involved.

We knew THEY! had all kinds of weapons involved to guarantee THEY! would prevail in any remotely " armed" and or unarmed conflict. Also, there would be a beat down at home for any response, so our baseline behavioral norm was submission first, submission last, submission forever! The price of admission to the dominant culture temples of academia was submission. Submission was the "kryptonite antedote" to racism. The mantra from scripture, " Obedience is Better Than Sacrifice" was permanently hardwired into my gay black DNA. You see, life in the Alabama of my parents and maternal Grandparents and Great Grandparents had taught my parents that most of THEM! would always eventually tire if you didn't fight back-- and you might be allowed to live to see another day. Another day might bring you that much closer to possible freedom. Freedom was the penultimate positive expectation. If you were subservient, unquestioning, obedient and added value to the master/ overseer, you would one day find favor and might then make your escape. If you refused to be subservient, asked questions or too many questions and or we're foolish and or stupid/ arrogant enough to talk or fight back, you could find yourself sent away to reform school. That was considered the fast track to incarceration, a a life of crime, drugs, sex, and rock-and-roll ad somebody's prison bitch if you were lucky. If you were unlucky, it was a beatdown, bread and water, anal rape, and death by hanging or gunshot. If a firing squad was how your life on earth was taken from you, you would go down as an icon/ badass legendary warrior.

If you somehow survived all that and escaped to Canada with the "fruits of your ill gotten gain", you could write a book which might be made into a major movie, just like Rueben " Hurricane" Carter, the Eastside High school alum and Black Hero of Paterson, NJ. The Hurricane and the film Lean On Me, helmed by the young and studly versions of Robert Guillame and Morgan Freeman, became the good things that could come from Paterson, NJ. Fun fact, the character Mrs. Robinson, played by Beverly Todd, was in real life one of the best Sunday School teachers I ever had at Calvary Baptist Church, currently known, pretentiously, in my humble opinion, as The Historic Calvary Baptist Church of Paterson, New Jersey. Yes folks, that is the full given name of one of the pillar institutions of Black Paterson to this very day. It's current leader, the charismatic tall, dark and handsome paragon of Black male pulchritude, one Rev. Dr. Randall Lassiter.

Back to Mrs Schwartz. She was a tall gentle giant of a Jewish woman ( to me at the time). She had been kind to me. She had gotten me out of harm's way - first - before dealing with the miscreant Mark. Mark had acted out for the same reason bullies, known in NJ mafia jargon as "Guidos", Made Men, Mafia wannabees, Wops from the hood, etc. always acted out, to become the center of attention in the room. Her people had survived the Holocaust. Mussolini, a bully and legendary for being a genocidal angry fascist, had been defeated. Note well that the victimized and traumatized Black folks get called to the principals office and the white perpetrators get to stay in class. See how the basic narrative rarely changes over time.

Therefore, Mr. Perrone's son would be put down and learn a lesson that he would never forget. As a matter of fact, when he learned all the positive attention he could get from beautiful girls and women by being a hero, we became friends. I could silently worship him and obsess over fantasy sex with him. I knew and he knew that him acting like a Guido with brains could get him everything he ever thought he wanted. I never got to find out if he was exclusively hetero or bi-curious. He would go on to Catholic school, like most of my Italian guy friends at PS 9. I would go on to the "whiter" of the two public high schools in Paterson, NJ, John F. Kennedy High School. It was located high on the mountainous slopes surrounded by an Italian - Polish- Greek - Syrian - Armenian neighborhood. It had been built right next to a park black boys only accessed under supervision of white male gym teachers during cross-country season, M - F, during school hours only. We knew and accepted that after school hours, JFKHS and it's neighborhood became sundown towns. Our lives my mysteriously and perhaps violently end if we were caught in the area after dark.
They! knew none of Us! should be living in their neighborhood. Consequently if we were there after dark, we could only be up to no good.

So fast forward to me, my older brother and my baby brother with our mother were huddled up and pissed at my father one warm spring night under a street light on the steps of the JFKHS auditorium waiting on my daddy to pick us up after the capstone performance of the ALL-CITY Orchestra ( under the Direction of Mr. Vivino, who was also our music teacher at PS 9). He was a tall, dark and handsome- skinny Italian who played every instrument he taught and had the patience of Job working with us rank amateurs. By that time, I had chosen the flute because I had been introduced to the flutophone ( aka, the recorder) and fallen hard from afar ( via the magic of television and classical radio) for the young Irish flautist James Galway. My father never met Mr. Vivino. To my father, Vivino was the hired help he would demand produce an arrangement of Onward Christian Soldiers and teach it to my brother and I to perform a flute- tenor sax duet for the hoi polloi at Calvary Baptist Church, 575 E. 18th Street in the heart of the housing redlined Black neighborhood in Paterson. Even though the housing stock was sturdier brick, the schools were predominantly stereotypically black, poor, and bad. So, the first decision my father made was to only look for new brick construction in the white neighborhoods with the better/ best schools as a renter. He knew the day would come when he would buy in that neighborhood. From his point of view, renting and being a good tenant and neighbor in a working class white neighborhood as a renter was a long game investment. It turned out he was right. By the time my baby brother graduated from Abraham Lincoln Paterson Public School Number 9, white flight was well under way with a Latin- Carribean- Armenian ( Lebanon)- Arab -Muslim twist. All of those groups would be allowed to buy up the neighborhood and all of it's established mom-and-pop storefronts. He would be able to buy the all brick 4 unit garden apartments from the Jewish landowners who were moving on to what is today White US Congresswoman Mikie Sherrills 10th Congressional District( 73.1% white, 0.1% indigenous, btw).
This is what the Congressperson had to say at a recent NASSP Convention ahead of the 2021 Day of Advocacy on Capitol Hill - play the tape.

https://www.nassp.org/2021-highlights/

We held THESE Truths, that all men were absolutely not created equal,:

The Historic Calvary Baptist Church - About

575 E 18th St, Paterson, NJ 07514

http://calvarypaterson.church/

Calvary Baptist Church was Founded 1879 dedicated to “Glorifying God and Serving Humanity."

Religious Organization · Baptist Church

I. THE SCRIPTURES.
We believe that the Holy Bible was written by men divinely inspired, and is a perfect treasure of heavenly instruction; that it has God for its author, salvation for its end, and truth without any mixture of error for its matter; that it reveals the principles by which God will judge us, and therefore is, and shall remain to the end of the world, the true center of Christian union, and the supreme standard by which all human conduct, creeds, and opinions shall be tried.
II. THE TRUE GOD.
We believe the Scriptures teach that there is one, and only one, living and true God, an infinite, intelligent Spirit, whose name is Jehovah, the Maker and Supreme Ruler of heaven and earth; inexpressibly glorious in holiness, and worthy of all possible honor confidence and love; that in the unity of the Godhead there are three persons, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost; equal in every divine perfection, and executing distinct but harmonious offices in the great work of redemption.
III. THE FALL OF MAN.
We believe the Scriptures teach that Man was created in holiness, under the law of his Maker; but by voluntary transgressions fell from that holy and happy state; in consequence of which all mankind are now sinners, not by constraint but choice; being by nature utterly void of that holiness required by the law of God, positively inclined to evil; and therefore under just condemnation to eternal ruin, without defense or excuse.
IV. THE WAY OF SALVATION.
We believe that the Scriptures teach that the salvation of sinners is wholly of grace; through the mediatorial offices of the Son of God; who by the appointment of the Father, freely took upon him our nature, yet without sin; honored the divine law by his personal obedience, and by his death made a full atonement for our sins; that having risen from the dead, he is now enthroned in heaven; and uniting in his wonderful person the tenderest sympathies with divine perfections, he is in every way qualified to be a suitable, a compassionate, and an all-sufficient Saviour.
V. JUSTIFICATION.
We believe the Scriptures teach that the great Gospel blessing which Christ secures to such as believe in him is justification; that justification includes the pardon of sin, and the promise of eternal life on principles of righteousness; that it is bestowed, not in consideration of any works of righteousness which we have done, but solely through faith in the Redeemer’s blood; by virtue of which faith his perfect righteousness is freely imputed to us of God; that it brings us into a state of most blessed peace and favor with God, and secures every other blessing needful for time and eternity.
VI. THE FREENESS OF SALVATION.
We believe that the Scriptures teach that the blessings of salvation are made free to all by the Gospel; that it is the immediate duty of all to accept them by cordial, penitent and obedient faith; and that nothing prevents the salvation of the greatest sinner on earth, but his own determined depravity and voluntary rejection of the Gospel; which rejection involves him in an aggravated condemnation.
VII. REGENERATION
We believe that the Scriptures teach that in order to be saved, sinners must be regenerated, or born again; that regeneration consists in giving a holy disposition to the mind that it is effected in a manner above our comprehension by the power of the Holy Spirit in connection with divine truth, so as to secure our voluntary obedience to the Gospel; and that its proper evidence appears in the holy fruits of repentance and faith, and newness of life.
VIII. REPENTANCE AND FAITH
We believe the Scriptures teach that repentance and faith are sacred duties, and also inseparable graces, wrought in our souls by the regenerating Spirit of God; whereby being deeply convinced of our guilt, danger and helplessness and of the way of salvation by Christ, we turn to God with unfeigned contrition, confession, and supplication for mercy; at the same time heartily receiving the Lord Jesus Christ as our prophet, priest and king, and relying on him alone as the only and all-sufficient Saviour.
IX. GOD’S PURPOSE OF GRACE.
We believe the Scriptures teach that election is the eternal purpose of God, according to which he graciously regenerates, sanctifies and saves sinners; that being perfectly consistent with the free agency of man, it comprehends all the means in connection with the end; that it is a most glorious display of God’s sovereign goodness, being infinitely free, wise, holy and unchangeable; that it utterly excludes boasting and promotes humility, love, prayer, praise, trust in God, and active imitation of his free mercy; that it encourages the use of means in the highest degree; that it may be ascertained by its effects in all who truly believe the Gospel; that it is the foundation of Christian assurance; and that to ascertain it with regard to ourselves demands and deserves the utmost diligence.
X. SANCTIFICATION.
We believe the Scriptures teach that Sanctification is the process by which, according to the will of God, we are made partakers of his holiness; that it is a progressive work; that it is begun in regeneration; and that it is carried on in the hearts of believers by the presence and power of the Holy Spirit, the Sealer and Comforter, in the continual use of the appointed means especially the word of God, self-examination, self-denial, watchfulness, and prayer.
XI. PERSEVERANCE OF SAINTS.
We believe the Scriptures teach that such only are real believers as endure to the end; that their persevering attachment to Christ is the grand mark which distinguishes them from superficial professors; that a special Providence watches over their welfare; and they are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation.
XII. THE LAW AND GOSPEL.
We believe the Scriptures teach that the Law of God is the eternal and unchangeable rule of his moral government; that it is holy, just and good; and that the inability which the Scriptures ascribe to fallen men to fulfill its precepts, arise entirely from their love of sin; to deliver them from which, and to restore them through a Mediator to unfeigned obedience to the holy Law, is one great end of the Gospel, and of the Means of Grace connected with the establishment of the visible church.
XIII. A GOSPEL CHURCH.
We believe the Scriptures teach that a visible church of Christ is a congregation of baptized believers, associated by covenant in the faith and fellowship of the Gospel; observing the ordinances of Christ; governed by his laws; and exercising the gifts, rights, and privileges invested in them by His Word; that its only scriptural officers are Bishops or Pastors, and Deacons whose Qualifications, claims and duties are defined in the Epistles to Timothy and Titus.
XIV. BAPTISM AND THE LORD’S SUPPER.
We believe the Scriptures teach that Christian baptism is the immersion in water of a believer, into the name of the Father, and Son, and Holy Ghost; to show forth in a solemn and beautiful emblem, our faith in the crucified, buried, and risen Saviour, with its effect, in our death to sin and resurrection to a new life; that it is prerequisite to the privileges of a church relation; and to the Lord’s Supper, in which the members of the church, by the sacred use of bread and wine, are to commemorate together the dying love of Christ; preceded always by solemn self-examination.
XV. THE CHRISTIAN SABBATH.
We believe the Scriptures teach that the first day of the week is the Lord’s Day, or Christian Sabbath, and is to be kept sacred to religious purposes, by abstaining from all secular labor and sinful recreations, by the devout observance of all the means of grace, both private and public, and by preparation for that rest that remaineth for the people of God.
XVI. CIVIL GOVERNMENT.
We believe the Scriptures teach that civil government is of divine appointment, for the interest and good order of human society; and that magistrates are to be prayed for, conscientiously honored and obeyed; except only in things opposed to the will of our Lord Jesus Christ, who is the only Lord of the conscience, and the Prince of the Kings of the earth.
XVII. RIGHTEOUS AND WICKED.
We believe the Scriptures teach that there is a radical and essential difference between the righteous and the wicked; that such only as through faith are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and sanctified by the Spirit of our God, are truly righteous in his esteem; while all such as continue in impenitence and unbelief are in his sight wicked, and under the curse.

But the full story of my life on Earth has its origins of 2 black children born into the Jim Crow Epoch in Depression Era Alabama. Willie Curtis Nickerson, the illegitimate love child of Zeda Bell Nickerson Peace and a father unknown to me, were all from Hartselle, Alabama. Hartselle was "allowed" to grow, after a fascist fashion, in the shadow of the world- famous Huntsville, Alabama. Huntsville, you recall, is the home of the NASA Space Flight Center and America's first astronauts.It was situated south and west of the cheap hydroelectric power epicenter of America, The Tennessee Valley Authority. The TVA was a featured player in the feature film, "O' Brother, Were Art Thou?" .

His later-bride-to-be, Sadie Mae Walker hailed from the metropolitan Birmingham suburb of Bessemer, Alabama. In the distant shadow of the valley below the Vulcan statue in the Lily White hills of Vestavia, Bessemer was home to the steel mill owned by Pullman Porter Company. Pullman Porter sleeping Cars we're legendary on American long haul trains then and now. My Grandfather Willie Walker, Sr., worked at the steel mill. His wife, my Grand Mother Annie Mae Walker was a teacher. Interestingly, both sides traced their eldest roots to slavery days in Mobile, AL. For the Walker clan, those roots ran through the farmland they owned in Greensboro, AL. At least 3 generations of Walker women learned their culinary and homemaking skills down on the farm in Greensboro, Alabama. My CA teacher fans of my 2018 award winning pecan pie may be interested to know that my first homemade wood burning oven baked pecan pie came from pecans dutifully shipped " up north" to Chicago, IL, city of my birth, first from the Walker farm in Greensboro and later from my Grandmother's backyard trees in Bessemer. My grandfather built the 3 bedroom 1 outhouse house homestead from green wood ( black folks were not allowed to purchase the better processed hardwoods to build their homes. The house featured a living room, a dining room with glass-paned French doors and a wood/ coal burning stove in the dining room that heated the home in winter. Any snow typically melted once the sun came out.
These became my roots and backstory on 13 May 1959. I was born at the long ago demolished Lewis Memorial Hospital at 4:30 pm. It was a dark and thunder-stormy night.

This story explains much of the gay black Baptist theologian -_teacher- engineer I have become and still engaged in becoming. That is happily, lots more quality content for me to write and all y'all to read. I left in all the doctrinal religious ideological orthodox Baptist content because it makes perfect sense as the source of all the drama I have known intimately for my 62 spins around the sun this far, by faith, clinging to a life in spite of uniquely American Capitalist Circumstances. I have not to my current knowledge, been alive forever. Nevertheless, I am currently surviving my second pandemic, HIV/ AIDS. In my ongoing walk with sobriety after an almost successful suicide after an epic 3-year binge on non-stop work, courtesy of of my legal supplier, LAUSD/UTLA ( complicit enabler of my addictive behavior), writing and reading and cooking and walking ( never running unless circumstances demand running) are the way I blessed to live though my very own " plague years". I mainline music, comedy and tantric sex. Yes, more on those fully legal drugs throughout the narrative. To my knowledge, all the drugs I have ever consumed have been legal in all the places I have ever lived. This friends is my secret hiding in plain sight to a happy life. While we're talking secrets, once my mother ever only realized that her only goal was that her children be happy, my life became super simple and easy. All I ever had to do to please THE GODDESS THAT I WORSHIP AND ADORE, Sadie Mae Walker Nickerson, RN, ret. was to be happy and or fake said happiness as much as possible whenever in the presence of Chief Evil Mastermind/ Villian / securely closeted butch bi-curious Willie C. Nickerson. Well at least he was sufficiently heterosexual enough to " produce" 3 bouncing baby boys in 4 years of 1950's wedded bliss. Such a deal! Such a life!

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