Now wait one minute, Auntie Em Unraveling. https://link.medium.com/EoSilJudUfb
My lived 58 years of experience since the age of 3 resonates directly with loving an confessed pedophile unconditionally. I feel compelled to point out that if your story is somebody's lived experience, they did exactly what you said they had done by listening to and encouraging you when you thought your marriage had permanently ended. The quote from your essay is all about your belief that your former friend had committed a vile and unforgivable act.
But how can you?” I was baffled. “Surely you understand that he will do this again. That’s what happens. He will do this again, and you have teenage sons. You have a duty to those sons. How can you show them that this is something a man can do, and his wife will condone it? How can you bear even to have him in the house? Honestly, if it were me, I’d have the locks changed before he came home from the police station.”
Your friend, in your opinion/ from your perspective, was just as " guilty" ( and worthy of some negative consequences) if she, knowing what her husband had done, still stayed in the marriage.
Your words are at best judgemental and attempt to invoke your fear and horror and rejection.
“Surely you understand that he will do this again. That’s what happens. He will do this again, and you have teenage sons. You have a duty to those sons. How can you show them that this is something a man can do, and his wife will condone it? How can you bear even to have him in the house? Honestly, if it were me, I’d have the locks changed before he came home from the police station.”
Elanor shrugged sadly. “I just love him. He’s my rock. When he was at the police station, all I wanted was for him to be home with me.” Her eyes were pleading. “I maybe shouldn’t love him, but I do. I really do need him. And now he’s being so honest with me, if he has those urges again, I truly believe that he would tell me about them.”
"There was nothing I could say."
This is where your narrative, your perspective, your judgements, your engagement with Elanor should have ended. All of the rest of what you went on at length to share form the heart of a different article. Specifically, you want to share your beliefs about pedophiles and how they should be ' culled from the herd known as human beings'. And you apparently seek to offer assistance CONDITIONAL upon the recipient of your help agreeing with
your beliefs about pedophiles and how they should be ' culled from the herd known as human beings'.
Now, I want to share my POV from the perspective of my lived experience as an incest survivor of violent physical abuse via corporal punishment and brutal rape of an innocent three-to-five-year-old that left permanent scarring and a host of PTSD and immunosuppressive comorbidities as neverending nightmares-in-real-life. Did I mention being shunned by most of my biological family and a " morbid pleasure" to be tolerated by the rest of my "bloods"? I share all of this to demonstrate that I am crystal clear there is NO EARTHLY REASON that I should have ever forgiven my father, and my mother to make the same decision your one-time friend made ( and for none of the reasons you thought she could have embraced your perspective and beliefs about her husband/ self-confessed pedophile).
In response to me confronting my parents after a health crisis revealed permanent scarring from anal tears, the responses from each of my parents, we're non-comforting. Both parents were deeply honest in their calm and rationalized defenses of undefensible actions. Think StepfordWives- levels of cruelty.
My father sent word through my mother as follows: I have never done anything that was not met to KEEP MY SONS IN LINE.
My mother, after realizing how she had given an illegitimate, bi-sexual unemployed workaholic with war-induced PTSD, access to me and ignored what was going on, shared this story: "When I married your father, I made a deal with your father. As long as he never hit me and never cheated on me with another woman, I would stay in the marriage (under his leadership)."
Basically, my smart, articulate, college-educated and working professional parents confessed to all of my "charges"when I confronted them at age 30. Future conversations with my mother over the years ( I'll be 62 later this month) merely fleshed out the details. I became a historical CSI on the backstories of my moms and my dads biological families, to finally understand the culture code speak endemic to Log Cabin Lincoln Republicans like my father. Obsessed with Nixon ( Before, during, and after Watergate), he and I would have many intense conversations up to his last week of terminal cancer; but he never spoke of the incest between us ever again. Once my beloved mother ( She was my addiction, my Goddess and Friend, and I worshipped her) died in 2016 02/17/16, I have been permanently shunned by my older and younger siblings.
I write to you this first Saturday in May 2021, HAPPY AT LAST for the past 14 months of COVID19. It is a hard-won battle to remain sober, one day at a time. As you or anyone knowledgeable about addictions, I was groomed by my father in his addiction, ironically, workaholism. Just prior to ", officialCovid lockdown, I had almost successfully executed a plan to take my own life via suffocation my misusing a medical device. Prior to this major depression with anxiety disorder/ potentially actionable plan to self-harm, I had worked full time with no breaks or vacation for three consecutive academic calendar years. I lived in a shared living situation with domestic violence at 2 different times in those years. The only reason I am not still employed is the Directors of my CA Credentialling Program could not comprehend my desire to continue a career doing what I absolutely do best- teach students society says will not, cannot and or refuse to learn anything given my disclosure.
You see, keeping secrets, staying quiet, and never fully practicing the other 50% of the Golden Rule ( I.e., learning to love and care for meis truly the greatest love of all) had almost cost me my life and my life's work. It was really time for me to finally "do over differently" before "build back better" was a gleam in JoeBiden's eye.
For me, 1.) Row, Row, Row Your Boat is MY ETERNAL HEARTSONG,
2.) UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS LIFE-SUSTAINING
UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD IS OUR REASONABLE SERVICE and 3.) The Golden Rule is the only Rule I need. 4.) My real friends at least attempt 1.) To 3.)
So, at the end of the year, at the end of the old month, at the end of the week, at the end of the day, I see more power and powerfully abundant life in my way. Your friend did for herself what you couldn't do for her - don't ever disrespect friends by using what you think to be their sins to establish your own rejection of that which you believe is worthy of rejection. Or, you could simply share what events in your life would have led directly for you being so awful and judgemental to a friend.
( C) VernonNickersonSchoolcoach 2021